What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
