Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
