What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
