she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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