yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm bleeding and have questions
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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