I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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