It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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