I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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