Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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