I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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