Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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