in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
