my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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