I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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