he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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