Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I faked an abortion last night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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