Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
