Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
