He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
