Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
