And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
