Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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