Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
