Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
