i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
