When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
