Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
