apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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