somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
