I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
