Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
