im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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