I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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