Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
