PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
