her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
