Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
there's paper in my vomit.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
