Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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