so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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