you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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