I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
True strength comes from lack of pants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
