genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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