Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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