I wish I could punch you in the face.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
