You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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