It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
