Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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