So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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