Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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