I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
