I am midnight drunk by noon
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
