The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
