I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
