did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
