I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
