From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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